The Empath and Codependent Myth
Survivors of pathological love relationships often face misconceptions and stigma. It is commonly thought that there is something inherently wrong with these individuals, leading them to “attract” toxic partners. They are frequently labeled as “empaths” or “codependents,” terms that suggest they are overly sensitive or excessively reliant on others for their emotional needs.
This viewpoint is problematic as it shifts the blame onto the victims rather than recognizing the manipulative behaviors of the toxic individuals.
Dangerous Partners
Partners with narcissistic or psychopathic conditions can be dangerous and cause significant trauma to their partners due to their manipulative, exploitative, and often aggressive behaviors.
Even narcissistic or psychopathic traits can cause trauma without the presence of a full-blown narcissistic or psychopathic disorder.
Reevaluating Survivors
Reframing the narrative around survivors of narcissistic or psychopathic abuse can help shift the focus from blaming the victim to understanding the dynamics of these relationships.
It underscores the importance of recognizing and valuing the positive and unique traits individuals possess, which are crucial for personal growth and healthy relationships.
Research shows that survivors of domestic violence often go through significant changes. They may become emotionally numb, avoid relationships, and struggle with intense negative emotions. Survivors who face frequent abuse often describe feeling sad, apathetic, lonely, angry, and less sociable. These strong negative emotions and feelings of deprivation and aggression can increase the risk of mental health issues.[1]
Why Did I Stay? Understanding Manipulation and Its Impact.
Survivors of toxic relationships often find themselves grappling with the painful realization that they were, in essence, conned. Through a process of manipulation and psychological abuse, their self-esteem and self-worth were systematically eroded. Understanding this manipulation is crucial for recognizing the depth of their trauma and beginning the path to recovery.
The Manipulative Tactics of Toxic Partners
Love Bombing
In the initial stages of the relationship, toxic partners often use a tactic known as love bombing. They shower the survivor with excessive affection, compliments, and attention, creating an intense emotional bond. This overwhelming positivity makes the survivor feel valued and cherished, setting the stage for deeper manipulation.
Gaslighting
As the relationship progresses, toxic partners frequently employ gaslighting to distort the survivor’s perception of reality. By denying events, twisting facts, and making the survivor doubt their own memory and judgment, they create confusion and dependency.
Statements like “You’re imagining things” or “That never happened” lead the survivor to question their sanity and rely more on the abuser’s version of reality.
Isolation
Toxic partners often isolate survivors from their support networks. They might subtly or overtly discourage relationships with friends and family, leaving the survivor feeling alone and dependent on the abuser for emotional support. This isolation intensifies the survivor’s vulnerability and makes it harder for them to seek help.
Here are some examples of isolating tactics:
“Your Friends Don’t Really Care About You”
The abuser tells the survivor that their friends are only pretending to care and are actually talking behind their back. This sows doubt and mistrust, leading the survivor to distance themselves from their friends.
“Your Family Just Doesn’t Understand Us”
The abuser insists that the survivor’s family doesn’t understand the relationship and is trying to come between them. This makes the survivor feel isolated and dependent on the abuser for validation and support.
“They’re Just Jealous of Our Relationship”
The abuser convinces the survivor that friends and family are jealous of their relationship and are trying to sabotage it. This narrative makes the survivor question the intentions of their loved ones and withdraw from them.
“You’re Imagining Things, They Never Said That”
When the survivor recounts negative comments or actions from friends or family, the abuser dismisses these concerns, claiming the survivor is imagining things or being overly sensitive. This undermines the survivor’s confidence in their perceptions and pushes them away from their support network.
Devaluation
Once the emotional bond and dependency are established, the abuser begins to devalue the survivor. This can involve constant criticism, belittling comments, and undermining the survivor’s achievements and abilities. Over time, this devaluation erodes the survivor’s self-esteem and self-worth, making them feel unworthy and powerless.
Intermittent Reinforcement
The abuser often uses intermittent reinforcement to keep the survivor hooked. Periods of kindness and affection are interspersed with abuse, creating a cycle of hope and despair. The unpredictability of this behavior keeps the survivor striving for the occasional moments of positive reinforcement, much like a gambler chasing wins.
The Erosion of Self-Esteem and Self-Worth
Doubt and Confusion
The manipulation tactics used by toxic partners create a constant state of doubt and confusion in the survivor. They begin to doubt their own perceptions, abilities, and worth, leading to a profound sense of insecurity.
Emotional Exhaustion
The relentless psychological abuse drains the survivor emotionally and mentally. The constant effort to navigate the abuser’s shifting moods and demands leaves them feeling exhausted and depleted.
Loss of Identity
Over time, the survivor’s sense of self becomes intertwined with the abuser’s perceptions and manipulations. They may lose sight of their own identity, values, and desires, becoming a shadow of their former selves.
Helplessness and Despair
As their self-esteem and self-worth diminish, survivors often feel trapped and helpless. The abuser’s control and manipulation make it seem impossible to leave the relationship or envision a life beyond it.
Recognizing the Con and Rebuilding
The first step towards healing is recognizing that the survivor was manipulated and conned. Understanding the tactics used by the abuser helps survivors make sense of their experiences and start to dismantle the false beliefs instilled in them.
Mourning the Loss of Self
One of the most painful aspects for survivors is the sense of loss regarding who they used to be. Before the pathological relationship, they might have been confident, organized, and capable individuals. They likely took pride in their ability to multitask, achieve goals, and manage their lives effectively. The cognitive decline caused by the abusive relationship can lead to a profound sense of grief for their former selves.
Survivors often miss the person they used to be. They recall times when they were able to handle multiple responsibilities, pursue their passions, and engage in social activities without the cloud of confusion and mental fatigue. This loss of self can be devastating and contribute to feelings of hopelessness and despair.
Path to Recovery
Finding the Right Support Team
For survivors of relationships with individuals exhibiting traits of narcissism, psychopathy, borderline, or antisocial personality disorder, finding the right support team is crucial for effective healing and recovery. The dynamics of these relationships and the trauma inflicted on the survivor are often atypical and complex, requiring specialized expertise.
Expertise in Psychopathology and Recovery
It is essential to screen for a professional with expertise in psychopathology. Professionals with this knowledge can offer insights into the abuser’s behavior, helping survivors make sense of their experiences and recognize that the abuse was not their fault.
Understanding Atypical Relationship Dynamics
The dynamics of relationships involving individuals with these personality disorders often involve intense manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting, and power imbalances. A therapist or support team with a deep understanding of these dynamics can provide targeted strategies to address the specific challenges survivors face. This specialized support can help survivors identify patterns of abuse, develop coping mechanisms, and rebuild their sense of self-worth.
Addressing the Atypical Trauma Symptoms
The trauma experienced by survivors in these relationships is profound and multifaceted. It often includes emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical harm. Traditional therapeutic approaches may not fully address the depth of this trauma. Therapists with expertise in cognitive dissonance recovery can offer tailored interventions that promote healing.
Building Healthy Support Networks
It’s crucial to avoid people who enable the abuser, minimize the abuse, or focus on the abuser’s good parts, as they can hinder the survivor’s healing process. These individuals can reinforce cognitive dissonance, making it harder for the survivor to recognize the abuse and move forward.
Surrounding oneself with supportive, validating individuals is essential for recovery and rebuilding self-worth.
Self-Care and Self-Compassion
Engaging in self-care practices and cultivating self-compassion are crucial for rebuilding self-esteem. Survivors need to prioritize their own needs and well-being, celebrating small victories and progress along the way.
Empowerment and Growth
Over time, survivors can reclaim their identities and rebuild their lives. Empowerment comes from recognizing their strength in surviving the abuse and using that resilience to create a healthier, more fulfilling future.
Notes on the Author
Ilse Gevaert is a psychologist and coach with expertise in trauma, narcissistic and psychopathic abuse, resilience, neurodiversity (ASD and ADHD), and giftedness. Ilse continued her education at prestigious institutions such as Harvard and Cornell, where she obtained leadership certificates that have informed her practice.
Read More
The Dark Triad: Narcissism, Psychopathy, Machiavellianism
Finding Yourself Again After an Abusive Relationship
Breaking Free from Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuse
Institutional Betrayal Trauma: The Effects of Re-Traumatization
Building Mental Health Resilience
References
[1] Avdibegovic E, Brkic M, Sinanovic O. Emotional Profile of Women Victims of Domestic Violence. Mater Sociomed. 2017 Jun;29(2):109-113. doi: 10.5455/msm.2017.29.109-113. PMID: 28883773; PMCID: PMC5544446.
