Have you ever found yourself repeating the same instructions to your child, wondering why they don’t seem to listen? When your child is upset, do you find yourself rushing to fix the problem rather than acknowledging their feelings?
Communicating effectively with children is an essential skill for parents, caregivers, and educators. One powerful technique is the use of declarative language. This approach encourages children to think independently, problem-solve, and develop their communication skills.
By embracing declarative language and emotional validation, you can transform your interactions in ways that nurture your child’s cognitive, emotional, and social development.
Let’s explore how.
What is Declarative Language?
Declarative language involves making statements or observations rather than asking direct questions or giving commands. It allows children to process information at their own pace and come to their own conclusions.
Declarative language is not just about avoiding questions or commands, but about inviting children to share in an experience and helping them take note of what’s important around them.
What Are the Benefits?
Declarative language encourages independent thinking, reduces pressure, and promotes problem-solving in children. It enhances communication skills and builds confidence. Additionally, this approach fosters executive functioning skills, improving a child’s ability to plan, organize, and regulate emotions. Using declarative language also deepens the parent-child connection, creating a supportive environment where children feel understood and valued.
Strategies for Using Declarative Language
1. Model How to Manage Mistakes
Show children that mistakes are a natural part of learning and growth. Demonstrate how to handle errors calmly and positively.
Examples:
– “Oops, I made a wrong turn. That’s okay. I’ll take a different route.”
– “This recipe didn’t turn out as expected. I’m curious about what we could try differently next time.”
– “My drawing doesn’t look exactly like I imagined. That’s alright, art is about experimenting.”
– “I made a mistake in my calculation. I’ll take a deep breath and start over.”
2. Demystify Mistakes
Instead of immediately correcting a child’s mistake, give them time to notice and fix it themselves. This approach helps build problem-solving skills and resilience.
Example:
– “The blocks keep falling down. I wonder if there’s a way to make the tower more stable.”
3. Think in Possibilities
Encourage children to consider multiple options before making decisions. This fosters creativity and critical thinking.
Examples:
– “I think there might be several ways to build this tower.”
– “I wonder what this picture would look like if we used different colors.”
4. Use Observational Statements
Make statements about what you see to draw the child’s attention to important details or situations.
Example:
– “The dog looks hungry.” (Then put down an empty bowl and wait.)
Model how to share attention and communicate about shared experiences.
Example:
– “The leaves on that tree are changing color. Some are yellow, and some are red.”
5. Validate Feelings
Acknowledge when something is challenging or when a child is experiencing strong emotions. Listen to feelings without judgment; sometimes, simple acknowledgment is enough.
Example:
– “This puzzle seems tricky. It’s okay to take your time.”
– “Giving a presentation in front of the class can make people nervous.”
6. Encourage Social Awareness
Help children notice and interpret social cues from others.
Example:
– “Your friend looks interested in the toy too.”
7. Avoid Immediate Advice
Hold off from giving advice. Continue to accept and reflect on your child’s feelings.
Example: Instead of saying “You should…”, try “It sounds like you’re not sure what to do.”
8. Offer Choices
Providing small choices can help children gain a sense of autonomy.
Example: “Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue one today?”
9. Use Descriptive Praise
Focus on specific actions rather than general praise.
Example: Instead of “Good job,” try “I noticed you helped your sister clean up her toys. That was very thoughtful.”
10. Use “I Wonder” Statements
Encourage curiosity and exploration by sharing your own wonderings about the world.
Example:
- “I wonder why the sky looks orange during sunset.”
- “I’m curious about how this machine works.”
Declarative Language as a Developmental Tool
By using these communication strategies, we’re not just conveying information or directing behavior.
We’re actively engaging children’s cognitive processes, supporting their emotional development, and encouraging them to interact more deeply with their environment.
This holistic approach helps children develop crucial skills that will serve them well in various aspects of life, from academic learning to social relationships and personal growth.
The use of declarative language and validating children’s feelings contribute to specific areas of development:
Building Skills in Executive Functioning
When we use declarative statements like “I wonder how we could solve this puzzle,” we’re encouraging children to think, plan, and problem-solve. This develops their cognitive flexibility, working memory, and inhibitory control – all key components of executive function.
Expanding Language
By modeling rich, descriptive language in our declarative statements and when naming emotions, we’re expanding children’s vocabulary and language comprehension.
For example, “The sky is getting darker. The clouds are moving quickly” introduces weather-related concepts and descriptive terms.
Fostering Independence
When we say “The plant looks droopy” instead of “Water the plant,” we’re giving children the opportunity to identify problems and solutions on their own, fostering independence.
Understanding Social interaction
By acknowledging feelings and using declarative language to describe social situations (e.g., “Your friend looks interested in the toy too”), we’re helping children understand social cues and develop empathy.
By regularly naming and validating emotions, you’re helping your child develop emotional intelligence. This not only helps them understand themselves better but also improves their ability to empathize with others, including you.
Supporting the Development of Episodic Memory
Episodic memory is our ability to recall specific past experiences. Declarative language and emotional validation support this by:
– Creating narrative structures: When we use declarative language to describe events or situations, we’re modeling how to construct narratives.
For example, “First we went to the store, then we saw a big dog” helps children understand sequence and context.
– Emotional tagging: By validating feelings, we’re helping children associate emotions with experiences, which strengthens memory formation.
For instance, “You seemed excited when we saw the fireworks” helps the child link the emotion to the event.
– Encouraging reflection: Statements like “I wonder what you thought about the new playground” prompt children to recall and describe past experiences, exercising their episodic memory.
How Mindful Communication Improves Your Relationship with Your Child
Adopting declarative language and emotional validation techniques doesn’t just change the way you talk to your child—it transforms your entire relationship.
Here’s how this mindful communication approach can strengthen your bond:
Builds Trust
When you consistently acknowledge your child’s feelings and experiences, you’re showing them that their inner world matters to you. This builds a foundation of trust, making your child more likely to open up to you about their thoughts and feelings in the future.
Fosters Respect
Using declarative language shows respect for your child’s ability to think and problem-solve. This mutual respect becomes a cornerstone of your relationship, promoting a more positive and cooperative dynamic.
Deepens Connection
When you take the time to truly listen and respond thoughtfully, you create moments of genuine connection. These shared experiences of feeling truly “seen” and understood by each other deepen your emotional bond.
Reduces Conflict
When children feel heard and understood, they’re less likely to act out or rebel. This approach can significantly reduce power struggles and conflicts, leading to a more harmonious relationship.
Encourages Open Communication
As your child becomes accustomed to your curiosity about their thoughts and feelings, they’re more likely to share openly with you. This open communication can be invaluable, especially as they grow older and face more complex challenges.
Tips for Success
1. Be patient: It takes time for both adults and children to adapt to this communication style.
2. Start small: Begin by incorporating declarative language in low-stress situations. Use declarative language when you have time, not when you’re rushed. This allows for thoughtful responses and discussions.
3. Be consistent: The more you use declarative language, the more natural it becomes.
4. Reflect: Take time to consider how your language choices impact your interactions with children.
5. Correct your mistakes: If you made a mistake, it’s okay to circle back and acknowledge their feelings.
Example: “I’ve been thinking about what you said, and I’m sorry I didn’t listen better earlier.”
Mindful language is not a one-size-fits-all solution. Some children, particularly those with certain neurodevelopmental differences, may not respond as expected. The goal is to encourage independent thinking, problem-solving, and social-emotional development while maintaining a supportive and nurturing environment.
With practice and patience, you can create a more supportive and enriching communication environment for the children in your life.
About the Author
Ilse Gevaert is a psychologist and coach with expertise in neurodiversity (Autism and ADHD), giftedness, trauma, narcissistic abuse, and resilience. Ilse continued her education at prestigious institutions such as Harvard and Cornell, where she obtained leadership certificates that have informed her practice.
References
Faber, A., Mazlish, E., Coe, K. A., & Faber, J. (2012). How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk. First Scribner hardcover edition. New York, New York, Scribner Classics.
Murphy, L.K. (2020). Declarative language handbook. Linda K. Murphy.
Read More on This Topic
Understanding the Difference Between Tantrums and Meltdowns
Tips For Parents: 10 Strategies to Foster Lifelong Love of Learning
Encouraging Growth: Avoiding Rigid Parenting
Prioritizing Self-Care: Essential Moments for Parents
Prioritizing Self-Care: Essential Moments for Parents
More on the Resilient Minds Blog
Finding Your Path: Moving Forward After Trauma
What happens after you’ve weathered the storm of trauma? When the coping tools are working and the overwhelming emotions have settled, a new question emerges:
The Kindness Trap: Why Narcissistic Abuse is Hard to Escape
We’ve long been taught to spot the red flags of narcissistic abuse: the gaslighting, the verbal attacks, the emotional manipulation. But there’s a more insidious
Unlocking the Power of Leadership: Fostering Team Success
When we think of a “leader”, many think of an authoritative figure standing at the front of the room, directing traffic and making demands. This
When the World Sounds Scrambled: Understanding Auditory Processing Disorder
Meet Sarah, a bright 10-year-old who loves art and science. In a quiet room, she’s articulate and engaging. But put her in a busy classroom,
The Power of Chores: Raising Responsible, Independent Kids
As children grow, they naturally seek more freedom and independence. However, with increased freedom comes the need for greater responsibility. One effective way to teach
ADHD Demystified: Unraveling Executive Function Challenges
Have you ever wondered why some of the most creative and innovative people you know seem to struggle with basic time management? Or why that
