Autistic Kids Don’t Need Fixing. They Need Protection from Bullies.

Imagine being told, over and over, that the way you speak, play, or connect is “wrong”. Not because you’re unkind, not because you don’t want friends, but simply because you’re different. For far too many autistic children, this is what “help” looks like: being sent to social skills groups while the real problem, the bully, the exclusion, the classroom dynamic, is left untouched.

When an autistic child struggles socially, the reflexive solution in many schools and clinics is to put them in a social skills group. These programs are meant to “help” the child fit in. But there’s a troubling, unspoken assumption baked in: the child is the one who needs to change, not the environment, and certainly not the people mistreating them.

The result? The entire burden of the social difficulty falls on the autistic child’s shoulders. The bully’s role, the class culture, and the social environment are left largely unexamined. This isn’t just unfair. It’s harmful.

The Problem with This Approach

When an autistic child is targeted by bullying, they’re often told, implicitly or explicitly, that they need to adjust their behavior to be more “socially appropriate.” But research on masking shows that trying to appear more neurotypical can lead to higher anxiety, depression, burnout, and loss of self-esteem (Evans et al., 2024; Hull et al., 2017).

Even more alarming, research shows that up to 90% of autistic individuals experience some form of interpersonal violence in their lifetime, including bullying, harassment, and abuse (Weiss & Fardella, 2018). When we respond to these realities by teaching the autistic child to adapt rather than addressing the aggressor’s behavior, we are putting them at further risk. This aligns with minority stress models in autism, where continuous pressure to conform erodes mental health (Cage et al., 2018). The child learns that their authentic self is not welcome, while the bully’s behavior goes unchallenged.

This approach also ignores the root cause. If a social dynamic is being shaped by one dominant, aggressive peer, no amount of “social skills” training will change the fact that classmates are being pressured to exclude or mistreat a peer (Olweus, 1993; Williford et al., 2012).

The Missed Opportunity: Addressing the Bully

Instead of investing all resources into “fixing” the victim’s behavior, schools and practitioners should be looking at:

• Directly addressing bullying through evidence-based anti-bullying interventions.
• Changing class dynamics to prevent one child from controlling peer interactions.
• Training peers in inclusion, respect, and accountability, whether or not they are capable of deep empathy.
• Supporting boundaries and advocacy rather than compliance and masking (Milton, 2012).

Where Soft Skills Do Fit

Of course, learning soft skills, like teamwork, communication, and collaboration, is valuable for all children. But these skills should be learned in organic, real-life contexts, through meaningful relationships and safe environments, not in contrived or compliance-based groups. When children learn to navigate social life naturally, in settings where they feel safe and valued, the learning is authentic and lasting.

A Better Path Forward

Yes, there are children, autistic or not, who struggle to connect in ways that truly affect their quality of life. For them, targeted supports can be useful. But these should be neurodiversity-affirming, built on authentic communication, and implemented alongside changes in the environment (Bottema-Beutel et al., 2021).

For many autistic children, what’s needed is not another lesson in making eye contact or “small talk.” Research consistently shows that bullying has severe mental health consequences for autistic youth, including increased risk for anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation (Merrill et al., 2022; Weiss & Fardella, 2018). What’s needed is a safe, respectful space to be themselves, free from social manipulation and bullying. And for that to happen, adults must stop putting the full responsibility for change on the child being harmed and start holding the bully and the system that enables them accountable.

About the Author 

Ilse Gevaert is a psychologist and coach specializing in neurodiversity (such as Autism and ADHD), giftedness, twice-exceptionality (2e), trauma, recovery from narcissistic abuse, and resilience.

She holds a Harvard specialization in Leadership and Management, as well as a certificate in Women in Leadership from Cornell University.

👉 Book a 1-hour private online session: One-on-One Online Session 

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Ilse is the founder of the Resilient Minds Blog, a free self-help psychology blog.

References

Bottema‐Beutel, K., Kapp, S. K., Lester, J. N., Sasson, N. J., & Hand, B. N. (2021). Avoiding ableist language: Suggestions for autism researchers. Autism in Adulthood, 3(1), 18–29. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2020.0014

Cage, E., Di Monaco, J., & Newell, V. (2018). Experiences of autism acceptance and mental health in autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), 473–484. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3342-7

Evans, D. W., Siegel, J., Keating, C., & Kelley, E. (2024). What you are hiding could be hurting you: Autistic masking in relation to mental health, interpersonal trauma, authenticity, and self-esteem. Autism in Adulthood, 6(2), 123–134. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2022.0115

Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). “Putting on my best normal”: Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5

Kasari, C., Rotheram‐Fuller, E., Locke, J., & Gulsrud, A. (2012). Making the connection: Randomized controlled trial of social skills at school for children with autism spectrum disorders. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 53(4), 431–439. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-7610.2011.02493.x

Merrill, S., MacDonald, M., & Rozga, A. (2022). Bullying and mental health in youth on the autism spectrum: A systematic review. Autism Research, 15(5), 882–900. https://doi.org/10.1002/aur.2690

Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008

Olweus, D. (1993). Bullying at school: What we know and what we can do. Malden, MA: Blackwell Publishing.

Weiss, J. A., & Fardella, M. A. (2018). Victimization and perpetration in autism spectrum disorder: A review of the literature. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 44, 43–52. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.rasd.2017.10.004

Williford, A., Boulton, A., Noland, B., Little, T. D., Karna, A., & Salmivalli, C. (2012). Effects of the KiVa anti-bullying program on adolescents’ perception of peers, depression, and anxiety. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 40(2), 289–300. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-011-9551-1

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